Ken Baumbach is the author of Mere Theosophy, a nonfiction book on spirituality, Immaculate Deception, an end-of-the-world comedy novel, and The Heretics' Power, a high fantasy novel, among others.
This blog will have random thoughts, tidbits from his novels, sneak peaks of works in progress, short stories, the meaning of the universe, and other potentially fascinating prose.
This is the original version of a chapter. I was compelled to "clean it up" by some snobby types. Let me know which version you like best!
Day After the Election, 2008
five men moved through the pre-dawn darkness with military precision.
Two in the group were former Navy SEALs, two more were former Marine
Force Recon and the last had been an Army Ranger. The team wore
night camouflage gear and night vision goggles, and each member was
armed with a Glock 19 with an internal laser sight and a Panzerfaust
PzF 3 IT-600 recoilless anti-tank weapon. In less than four minutes,
they cut through the chain-linked fence on the side of King County
International Airport opposite the main terminal.
the team scrambled to the safety of the cover of the Boeing Field Air
Museum and hugged the building’s walls as they advanced toward
runway 31L. The leader, codenamed “Major Erection,” signaled for
the group to halt as he checked his Blackberry 8800 for last-minute
the leader said into his headset for the rest of the group to hear.
“The bordello says the satellite images show the area as clear.
Airport security just finished their rounds. Rodzilla and Tripod,
stay here and cover us. Kong Dong and Sugartits, you’re with me.”
crackled in everyone’s headset.
Mel…” Sugartits began.
names! No names!” Major Erection shot back.
Sugartits said, slightly hurt. It was an odd look for a
six-foot-seven commando who looked like he chased down bears and
killed them barehanded for sport. “Why did I have to be
Numbnuts?” Tripod offered with a chuckle.
Penis Supremus? Thundercock?” Rodzilla volunteered to the delight
of his cackling teammates.
even Weird Al Yankitoff would be better than Sugartits,” Sugartits
Erection turned around and got in Sugartits’ face; being a good
eight inches shorter than Sugartits, he looked reminiscent of
Sergeant Carter chewing out Gomer Pyle. “Listen, Sugartits,
next time don’t come in last place in the obstacle course three
times in a row. Be glad your handle isn’t Liberace or Metrosexual
for that pathetic performance. Be glad you’re on this mission at
all instead of standing guard at ZX-16.” ZX-16 was a guard hut on
an Aleutian island slightly larger than a postage stamp. As a bonus,
the island was really the tip of an active volcano. Three men
stationed there had died over the last seven years.
only reason you’re here is that you’re the best marksman we have
with these,” Major Erection said, stroking his Panzerfaust. Then
the leader gazed around the rest of the group scornfully. “Now,
zip it, girls.”
Dong and Sugartits, with me to position B in three, two, one, mark!”
three commandos ran crouching to a black four-foot by six-foot metal
box in the middle of the grass on the other side of runway 31L. The
men hid on the side of the box that faced the short end of the
Erection whipped out his cell phone and awaited further intelligence
dispatches. Three minutes later, he said, “Girls, the Oreo is in
the milk…I repeat: the Oreo is in the milk. T minus 840.”
did a quick calculation in his head. 840 divided by 60. Fourteen
minutes. Why the hell couldn’t Mel just say that instead…? They
weren’t in the military. Why did they have to pretend to be? He
hated the fucking military. If he liked being in the military, he’d
still be there. Actually, he wouldn’t. The pay really sucked
compared to this gig, but all of this military shit was irritating.
the terminal, the men could hear engines from a couple of the Lear
jets roar to life.
minus 300. Prepare to engage.”
Lear jets were taxiing to the far end of Runway 31L, almost two miles
The Oreo is in the second glass of milk. Repeat: the Oreo is in the
second glass of milk. Girls, everyone but Rodzilla go for the second
glass of milk. Rodzilla, wait until second glass of milk has been
spilled before engaging the first glass of milk, just in case intel
that, Major,” Rodzilla said.
first Lear jet’s engines roared much louder and the jet sped down
the runway. Five seconds later, the second Lear jet did the same.
minus thirty. Prepare to fire.”
jets’ front wheels pulled off the runway.
jets’ back wheels lifted off the runaway.
minus five…fire at will,” Major Erection said, pulsing with
four Panzerfaust rounds were screaming toward the second Lear jet.
The men ducked for cover to avoid the fireball and shrapnel as the
second jet exploded.
recovered and aimed his Panzerfaust at the first jet when it flipped
upside down because of the concussive wave of the other jet’s
explosion and crashed into grass 500 feet past the men.
Rodzilla said. “You bastards took them both out.”
for one sale, baby!”
up, Sugartits,” Rodzilla grumbled. “Or was that Tranny?”
started, “I’m going to fucking kill…”
it, girls,” Major Erection spurted. “Mission accomplished.
Let’s get out of here.”
crews in fire trucks were already exiting the building next to the
terminal as the team sprinted back to the opening in the fence.