************************************
Baumbach’s Ballyhoo*
Volume 3, Edition M5
************************************
In this issue:
Intro
Comings & Goings
Writings, etc.
Shameless Plugs
Quote of the Month
************************************
Intro
************************************
Hey there! I don't if you remember me
or not but my name is Ken “Captain Attitude” Baumbach and I ran
some cheat code websites a looong time ago and you signed up for my
newsletter (then called Captain Attitude's Moronic Meanderings).
Well, the websites are gone but I've continued writing the whole
time. So I've decided to resurrect the newsletter because I've been
really busy lately writing and believe I have cool stuff to share.
The new newsletter will hopefully be even funnier than the old one.
It will only come out monthly as to not wear out my welcome. I hope
you join me on this new adventure!
Best,
Ken
************************************
Comings & Goings
************************************
There are lots of comings
and goings this month but number one is the Mayageddon End of the
World Book Tour! There are tons of fun items available like tour
t-shirts, ebooks, autographed books and much more in exchange for
your generous pledges (get something for as little as $5). Please
share it with your friends on Facebook, etc. if you can. I'd really
appreciate it...thanks! Check out the cool Kickstarter project at:
In addition, Mayageddon
2012, an “end of the world” comedy is now available as a
paperbook and ebook, and The Heretics' Power, an epic fantasy
is available as an ebook (paperback any day now).
Also, my non-fiction
spiritual book, Mere Theosophy, is in final editing and should
be out in a month or two, followed quickly by another short
non-fiction how-to book tentatively called The Quick and Easy
Guide to Self-publishing and Self-Marketing a Book.
************************************
Writings, etc.
************************************
Here is a chapter from
Mayageddon 2012...enjoy!
Chapter 13
2012
The sun slowly set over the
Pacific Ocean, causing the billowing clouds to change from white to
pink and purple hues. A crowd of approximately eighty people watched
a solitary figure doing some form of exercise on the beach of San
Juanico, Mexico. Half of the crowd was reporters from various TV
stations, magazines and newspapers, while the other half were
followers of the man.
The man, stretching slowly
in fluid movements, was tall, lean and well-tanned. Even his bald
head was well-tanned instead of sunburned as one might expect from a
former governor of Minnesota visiting a tropical region. He wore a
white outfit that seemed somewhere between a karate uniform, a
regular button-up shirt and slacks, and pair of satin pajamas. The
outfit appeared more appropriate for the Playboy mansion than a
Mexican beach.
Marc Rebstock, a writer for
High Times, watched the man with amusement. “Are you sure this is
the right guy? He looks like Wayne Dyer?”
Hal West, a reporter for the
Chicago Sun-Times, glanced over at his colleague’s bloodshot eyes.
“The Erroneous Zones guy? I guess he does at that.”
“This Mayan Messiah is
Jose Valencia, the former wrestler turned governor of Minnesota,
right?” Restock squinted through his sunglasses to get a better
look at the speaker. “He used to have long blonde hair, a biker
moustache and wear a feathered boa. I loved to watch him wrestle. He
was nicknamed the Torso and the Intellect. Watching wrestling and
eating pot brownies and Taco Bell, that’s the best, man.”
“I’ll have to take your
word on that,” Hal said. “But he shaved his head bald and got rid
of the ‘stache a long time ago. Since before he became governor.”
“He’s so tan. He’s
looks like a really tan Tai Chi instructor. Too weird.”
“He’s been holed up here
in Mexico for several years now. He left the U.S. over ‘censorship
issues’ and vowed never to return. Nobody had heard anything from
him until last week, and now…look…”
Marc gazed around at the
dozens of groupies following Jose Valencia, recently dubbed the Mayan
Messiah by the media. “Far out. What’s he doing? Yoga?”
“Tai Chi, I think.”
“Isn’t that a drink?”
Hal pondered that for a
moment, and then chuckled. “No, that’s chai tea.”
“Whatever…tai chi, chai
tea…same thing,” Rebstock said. “When is he going to start
talking? My buzz is starting to wear off and I’m starving. I want
to get back to the hotel, light up again and grab some fish tacos
from that taco stand in front of the building.”
“Right,” Hal said. “Hey,
listen up. I think he’s starting.”
The Mayan Messiah did a
final bow to the setting sun, slipped on his sandals and turned to
the crowd. “Walk with me,” came Valencia’s voice echoing around
the crowd. Hal guessed several of the groupies must have had speakers
attached to their backs and Valencia was evidently wired for sound.
The crowd moved along the
shoreline as they all listened intently to their prophet.
“Dear friends, the end of
civilization as we know it is coming,” Valencia said in strangely
soothing tones. In his wrestling days, Valencia’s voice was loud
and raspy and about as smooth as a raccoon being shook to death by a
Rottweiler. “Sooner than you think. Before the end of the year, the
earth shall be devastated. The Mayan calendar foretells the end of
this age on December 21, 2012 or 12/21/12. That date, which is also
the winter solstice, is the end of the thirteenth baktun of the Mayan
calendar. A baktun is roughly a 400-year period. The Mayan calendar
abruptly ends at the end of the 13th baktun…forever.”
A few people in the crowd,
all reporters, scoffed and muttered at the evidence but were quickly
silenced by the scathing looks of the Mayan Messiah’s supporters.
“It gets worse. Has anyone
heard of the Timewave theory?” A score of hands, all followers, in
the crowd go up.
“The Timewave theory was
first hypothesized by Terrence McKenna in the 1970’s. It was
originally called Timewave Zero. It uses a sophisticated combination
of mathematics and numerology to show waves of climactic events
throughout history, such as the Inquisition and World War II, and
attempts to predict future events along the wave. The theory was
further modified by John Sheliak to use computer technology and is
now commonly referred to as Timewave One. By all calculations of
Timewave One, which have been run thousands of times, the wave
abruptly stops on the same date as the Mayan calendar on December 21,
2012.”
“What if Sheliak was
insane or just a crappy programmer?” Greg Watson of Skeptic
magazine asked. “Garbage in, garbage out, right?”
“Indeed,” Valencia
countered smoothly. “One more bit of evidence. December 21, 2012 is
also the date of a galactic event. Known as the Galactic Alignment,
it is when the solstice sun lines up with the center of our galaxy,
the Milky Way. This happens only once every 26,000 years.”
“That happened 26,000
years ago, didn’t it? And the Earth is still here,” Watson
retorted.
“Ah yes, true enough, my
cynical friend,” the Mayan Messiah said peacefully. “If my
previous examples aren’t proof enough that the end of the world is
coming, consider this: The Cleveland Browns and the Detroit Lions are
playing in the Super Bowl in just a couple of days from now. As any
football fan knows, it would be easier for my mother to pile drive
Andre the Giant than get the Browns and the Lions in the Super Bowl
in the same year. If that doesn’t mean the end of the world, I
don’t know what does.”
Watson nodded in
acquiescence and sunk back into the crowd.
“Dear friends, the end of
days will not happen in Armageddon as prophesized in Revelation, but
around the entire world in the conflagration I call Mayageddon,”
the Mayan Messiah intoned hypnotically at the press conference. “Are
there any questions?”
“So, Mayan Messiah, how
complete will the destruction of this Mayageddon be?” Hal asked.
“Will everybody die?”
“No, not everyone.
Approximately 93% will perish. Next question?”
“Yo, have you ever seen
Caddyshack?” Marc Rebstock asked.
“Of course, best seen
while on shrooms and purple hair ganja,” the Mayan Messiah replied
with a smile.
“Righteous, dude,”
Rebstock said.
“You know it, brother. By
the way, it might be a good idea to catch a gnarly buzz starting
December 20th…”
************************************
Shameless Plugs
************************************
The section is for my
contact info, etc.
Follow me on Twitter:
@KenBaumbach
Check out my blog:
http://www.KenBaumbach.com
My Amazon author page is:
http://www.amazon.com/Ken-Baumbach/e/B005UEG1YK/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1336741433&sr=8-1
I lost 9.8 lbs. In the
last 6 days (really). This is what I used: roundrock.isagenix.com
Mayageddon End of the
World Book Tour:
************************************
Quote of the Month
************************************
I can explain it to you,
but I can't understand it for you.
~Mr. Belding, the teacher
from Saved by the Bell...?
*Ballyhoo-noun-(1) Sensational or
clamorous advertising or publicity. (2) Noisy shouting or uproar.
(3) My silly newsletter (my wife’s definition).
No comments:
Post a Comment