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Sunday, July 1, 2012

A "newspaper article" from Mayageddon 2012

Condiment Heiress Terry Clauth Dies

CARACAS, Venezuela – April 7, 2008 – In a bizarre turn of events, Terry Clauth, multi-millionaire heiress of the Clauth condiment fortune and wife of former Democratic presidential hopeful Jerry Hertz, was killed while touring the Clauth’s ketchup plant in Caracas, Venezuela. She evidently fell into a vat of ketchup and drowned while the plant was being assaulted by the Venezuelan army, who were nationalizing the plant under the orders of Hugo Caldera, president of Venezuela.

When asked about Clauth’s death, Caldera responded, “Yes, that was an unfortunate accident. Jerry Hertz has been a close friend of mine for many years now and, although I’ve never met his wife, I’m sure she was a fine woman. It was a regrettable coincidence that we liberated the plant when she happened to be there on a visit. I’m sure Venezuelan people can accept the slight but tragic collateral damage of these overwhelmingly positive events.

When the people of our great nation start being able to buy one-liter bottles of Caldera Ketchup for 200 bolivars [9 cents USD], they will forgive a few lost lives. Remember, I am not talking about a regular plastic bottle here either. I am talking about the upside-down no-drip easy squeeze bottle. That’s something that will really improve the quality of life for the Venezuelan people. Now if they could just get some food to put the ketchup on…”

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