Condiment Heiress Terry Clauth Dies
CARACAS, Venezuela – April 7, 2008
– In a bizarre turn of events, Terry Clauth, multi-millionaire
heiress of the Clauth condiment fortune and wife of former Democratic
presidential hopeful Jerry Hertz, was killed while touring the
Clauth’s ketchup plant in Caracas, Venezuela. She evidently fell
into a vat of ketchup and drowned while the plant was being assaulted
by the Venezuelan army, who were nationalizing the plant under the
orders of Hugo Caldera, president of Venezuela.
When asked about Clauth’s death,
Caldera responded, “Yes, that was an unfortunate accident. Jerry
Hertz has been a close friend of mine for many years now and,
although I’ve never met his wife, I’m sure she was a fine woman.
It was a regrettable coincidence that we liberated the plant when she
happened to be there on a visit. I’m sure Venezuelan people can
accept the slight but tragic collateral damage of these
overwhelmingly positive events.
“When the people of our great
nation start being able to buy one-liter bottles of Caldera Ketchup
for 200 bolivars [9 cents USD], they will forgive a few lost lives.
Remember, I am not talking about a regular plastic bottle here
either. I am talking about the upside-down no-drip easy squeeze
bottle. That’s something that will really improve the quality of
life for the Venezuelan people. Now if they could just get some food
to put the ketchup on…”
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