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Tuesday, August 28, 2012
The Cutting Room Floor...More Funny Stuff that Didn't Make it into Mayageddon 2012
This didn't make it into the book. I'm not sure why because it's pretty funny (and kind of gross)...Maybe I'll publish an "unrated extreme" edition of Mayageddon 2012 someday and put it back in.
Script from commercial aired on the View, February 26, 2013:
“Dr. Steve-O” GLOVER, of Jackass fame, dressed in a white doctor’s lab coat and stethoscope, stands near a gorgeous buxom blonde nurse, Trishelle CANNATELLA, his “Dr. Steve-O” co-star. Between them is a surgeon’s tray on a stand.
Hey, Trish, check out this gnarly new product from Crest and Flonase.
[Raising eyebrows seductively on close-up] Oh yeah, Steve-O, what is it?
GLOVER pulls a container of floss out of his lab coat.
Here, check it out. It’s Nose Hose nose floss.
Nose floss? [Close-up on CANNATELLA’s pouting red lips] What is the hell is that?
The makers of Crest and Flonase have come up with the ultimate way to terminate sinus allergies. Hey, wussie, get your sorry ass over here.
WUSSIE, a tall, gangly, emaciated, nerdy-looking, college-aged boy in a black “Fe: How Ironic” t-shirt, blue jeans, a maroon ski cap and Harry Potter glasses stumbles up to GLOVER, making an obvious gulp, his eyes fixate on CANNATELLA’s cleavage.
GLOVER unrolls a strip of nose floss that looks like a ten-inch length of cut thick rubber band with little bumps every half inch that look like little knots. He grabs the defensive WUSSIE in a headlock and uses his free hand to stuff one end of the nose floss up a nostril of WUSSIE’s nose. GLOVER keeps stuffing the nose floss until the end comes out of WUSSIE’s other nostril.
Hey, babe, hold this dork.
CANNATELLA gives a perky smile to the camera, grabs WUSSIE’s arms from behind, and holds him.
Sure thing, Dr. Steve-o.
GLOVER grabs both ends of the nose floss and begins to tug one end and then the other as if he is using a cloth to shine his shoes, back and forth, back and forth.
Now doesn’t that feel good, wussie?
WUSSIE nods uncomfortably.
Hell yes, it does. That’s the benzocaine and Flonase antihistamine working on your sinuses. Hey, Trish, check out all that snot Nose Hose is getting out of this chump’s nose.
CANNATELLA turns ashen and looks sickly for a moment.
GLOVER lets go of the nose floss.
Pretty cool, I know. Feeling pretty good now, eh, dork?
WUSSIE, the nose floss still dangling from both nostrils, attempts a weak smile.
Yeah, that is better. It…
GLOVER pushes WUSSIE off camera.
Year, whatever, chump. Trish, tell ‘em all the gory details.
You bet, Doc. Nose Hose is for intranasal use only and available by prescription only. Do NOT use more than three times a day. Overuse can lead to addiction. Advise your doctor if pregnant or have a heart condition. Side effects may include but are limited to nose bleeds, headaches, sore throat, constipation and excessive flatulence. Do not eat boogers after using as they can be addictive. Hey, don’t eat your boogers anyway. Come on, that’s really gross! Ask your doctor about Nose Hose nose floss today!