This didn't make it into the book. I'm not sure why because it's pretty funny (and kind of gross)...Maybe I'll publish an "unrated extreme" edition of Mayageddon 2012 someday and put it back in.
Script
from commercial aired on the View, February 26, 2013:
FADE
IN:
“Dr.
Steve-O” GLOVER, of Jackass fame, dressed in a white doctor’s lab coat and
stethoscope, stands near a gorgeous buxom blonde nurse, Trishelle CANNATELLA,
his “Dr. Steve-O” co-star. Between them is
a surgeon’s tray on a stand.
GLOVER
Hey,
Trish, check out this gnarly new product from Crest and Flonase.
CANNATELLA
[Raising
eyebrows seductively on close-up] Oh yeah, Steve-O, what is it?
GLOVER
pulls a container of floss out of his lab coat.
GLOVER
Here,
check it out. It’s Nose Hose nose floss.
CANNATELLA
Nose
floss? [Close-up on CANNATELLA’s pouting
red lips] What is the hell is that?
GLOVER
The
makers of Crest and Flonase have come up with the ultimate way to terminate
sinus allergies. Hey, wussie, get your
sorry ass over here.
WUSSIE,
a tall, gangly, emaciated, nerdy-looking, college-aged boy in a black “Fe: How
Ironic” t-shirt, blue jeans, a maroon ski cap and Harry Potter glasses stumbles
up to GLOVER, making an obvious gulp, his eyes fixate on CANNATELLA’s
cleavage.
GLOVER
unrolls a strip of nose floss that looks like a ten-inch length of cut thick
rubber band with little bumps every half inch that look like little knots. He grabs the defensive WUSSIE in a headlock
and uses his free hand to stuff one end of the nose floss up a nostril of
WUSSIE’s nose. GLOVER keeps stuffing the
nose floss until the end comes out of WUSSIE’s other nostril.
GLOVER
Hey,
babe, hold this dork.
CANNATELLA
gives a perky smile to the camera, grabs WUSSIE’s arms from behind, and holds
him.
CANNATELLA
Sure
thing, Dr. Steve-o.
GLOVER
grabs both ends of the nose floss and begins to tug one end and then the other
as if he is using a cloth to shine his shoes, back and forth, back and forth.
GLOVER
Now
doesn’t that feel good, wussie?
WUSSIE
nods uncomfortably.
GLOVER
Hell
yes, it does. That’s the benzocaine and
Flonase antihistamine working on your sinuses.
Hey, Trish, check out all that snot Nose Hose is getting out of this
chump’s nose.
CANNATELLA
turns ashen and looks sickly for a moment.
CANNATELLA
Ick!
GLOVER
lets go of the nose floss.
GLOVER
Pretty
cool, I know. Feeling pretty good now,
eh, dork?
WUSSIE,
the nose floss still dangling from both nostrils, attempts a weak smile.
WUSSIE
Yeah,
that is better. It…
GLOVER
pushes WUSSIE off camera.
GLOVER
Year,
whatever, chump. Trish, tell ‘em all the
gory details.
CANNATELLA
You
bet, Doc. Nose Hose is for intranasal
use only and available by prescription only.
Do NOT use more than three times a day.
Overuse can lead to addiction.
Advise your doctor if pregnant or have a heart condition. Side effects may include but are limited to
nose bleeds, headaches, sore throat, constipation and excessive
flatulence. Do not eat boogers after
using as they can be addictive. Hey,
don’t eat your boogers anyway. Come on,
that’s really gross! Ask your doctor
about Nose Hose nose floss today!
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