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Immaculate Deception/Mayageddon 2012 Book Trailer

Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Mayan Messiah Explains the End of the World 12/21/12

The Mayan Messiah Explains the End of the World 12/21/12

The sun slowly set over the Pacific Ocean, causing the billowing clouds to change from white to pink and purple hues. A crowd of approximately eighty people watched a solitary figure doing some form of exercise on the beach of San Juanico, Mexico. Half of the crowd was reporters from various TV stations, magazines and newspapers, while the other half were followers of the man.

The man, stretching slowly in fluid movements, was tall, lean and well-tanned. Even his bald head was well-tanned instead of sunburned as one might expect from a former governor of Minnesota visiting a tropical region. He wore a white outfit that seemed somewhere between a karate uniform, a regular button-up shirt and slacks, and pair of satin pajamas. The outfit appeared more appropriate for the Playboy mansion than a Mexican beach.

Marc Rebstock, a writer for High Times, watched the man with amusement. “Are you sure this is the right guy? He looks like Wayne Dyer?”

Hal West, a reporter for the Chicago Sun-Times, glanced over at his colleague’s bloodshot eyes. “The Erroneous Zones guy? I guess he does at that.”

This Mayan Messiah is Jose Valencia, the former wrestler turned governor of Minnesota, right?” Restock squinted through his sunglasses to get a better look at the speaker. “He used to have long blonde hair, a biker moustache and wear a feathered boa. I loved to watch him wrestle. He was nicknamed the Torso and the Intellect. Watching wrestling and eating pot brownies and Taco Bell, that’s the best, man.”

I’ll have to take your word on that,” Hal said. “But he shaved his head bald and got rid of the ‘stache a long time ago. Since before he became governor.”

He’s so tan. He’s looks like a really tan Tai Chi instructor. Too weird.”

He’s been holed up here in Mexico for several years now. He left the U.S. over ‘censorship issues’ and vowed never to return. Nobody had heard anything from him until last week, and now…look…”

Marc gazed around at the dozens of groupies following Jose Valencia, recently dubbed the Mayan Messiah by the media. “Far out. What’s he doing? Yoga?”

Tai Chi, I think.”

Isn’t that a drink?”

Hal pondered that for a moment, and then chuckled. “No, that’s chai tea.”

Whatever…tai chi, chai tea…same thing,” Rebstock said. “When is he going to start talking? My buzz is starting to wear off and I’m starving. I want to get back to the hotel, light up again and grab some fish tacos from that taco stand in front of the building.”

Right,” Hal said. “Hey, listen up. I think he’s starting.”

The Mayan Messiah did a final bow to the setting sun, slipped on his sandals and turned to the crowd. “Walk with me,” came Valencia’s voice echoing around the crowd. Hal guessed several of the groupies must have had speakers attached to their backs and Valencia was evidently wired for sound.

The crowd moved along the shoreline as they all listened intently to their prophet.

Dear friends, the end of civilization as we know it is coming,” Valencia said in strangely soothing tones. In his wrestling days, Valencia’s voice was loud and raspy and about as smooth as a raccoon being shook to death by a Rottweiler. “Sooner than you think. Before the end of the year, the earth shall be devastated. The Mayan calendar foretells the end of this age on December 21, 2012 or 12/21/12. That date, which is also the winter solstice, is the end of the thirteenth baktun of the Mayan calendar. A baktun is roughly a 400-year period. The Mayan calendar abruptly ends at the end of the 13th baktun…forever.”

A few people in the crowd, all reporters, scoffed and muttered at the evidence but were quickly silenced by the scathing looks of the Mayan Messiah’s supporters.

It gets worse. Has anyone heard of the Timewave theory?” A score of hands, all followers, in the crowd go up.

The Timewave theory was first hypothesized by Terrence McKenna in the 1970’s. It was originally called Timewave Zero. It uses a sophisticated combination of mathematics and numerology to show waves of climactic events throughout history, such as the Inquisition and World War II, and attempts to predict future events along the wave. The theory was further modified by John Sheliak to use computer technology and is now commonly referred to as Timewave One. By all calculations of Timewave One, which have been run thousands of times, the wave abruptly stops on the same date as the Mayan calendar on December 21, 2012.”

What if Sheliak was insane or just a crappy programmer?” Greg Watson of Skeptic magazine asked. “Garbage in, garbage out, right?”

Indeed,” Valencia countered smoothly. “One more bit of evidence. December 21, 2012 is also the date of a galactic event. Known as the Galactic Alignment, it is when the solstice sun lines up with the center of our galaxy, the Milky Way. This happens only once every 26,000 years.”

That happened 26,000 years ago, didn’t it? And the Earth is still here,” Watson retorted.

Ah yes, true enough, my cynical friend,” the Mayan Messiah said peacefully. “If my previous examples aren’t proof enough that the end of the world is coming, consider this: The Cleveland Browns and the Detroit Lions are playing in the Super Bowl in just a couple of days from now. As any football fan knows, it would be easier for my mother to pile drive Andre the Giant than get the Browns and the Lions in the Super Bowl in the same year. If that doesn’t mean the end of the world, I don’t know what does.”

Watson nodded in acquiescence and sunk back into the crowd.

Dear friends, the end of days will not happen in Armageddon as prophesized in Revelation, but around the entire world in the conflagration I call Mayageddon,” the Mayan Messiah intoned hypnotically at the press conference. “Are there any questions?”

So, Mayan Messiah, how complete will the destruction of this Mayageddon be?” Hal asked. “Will everybody die?”

No, not everyone. Approximately 93% will perish. Next question?”

Yo, have you ever seen Caddyshack?” Marc Rebstock asked.

Of course, best seen while on shrooms and purple hair ganja,” the Mayan Messiah replied with a smile.

Righteous, dude,” Rebstock said.

You know it, brother. By the way, it might be a good idea to catch a gnarly buzz starting December 20th…”

Excerpt from the novel, Mayageddon 2012 by Ken Baumbach

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